Tariq has re-named the pot plant in the office Erica.
I'm confused; nobody at work knows about her. Yet before I ponder the situation I realise it is all to do with a certain Erica Roe. The girl that streaked at Twickenham at the weekend. England versus Australia, a dull game and a buxom posh girl displayed her assets and warmed the cockles and cocks of middle England.
It amuses everybody. Lifts the gloom of the nation. It's Barbara Windsor in 'Carry on Camping', Miss Brahms in 'Are you being Served?'. Samantha Fox and Linda Lusardi.
Why the plant should be called Erica I've no idea but Tariq seems pleased. Nice guy, my boss. Turkish-Cypriot, loving family man even though he's as confused as fuck about his sexuality.
It's a complicated life as Raymond Douglas Davies says. Even more so now that Tariq's brother has become his sister after his operation.
I look at Erica - the pot plant - in a different light before averting my gaze to Lena from accounts. Better tits than Erica has Lena. Clever girl and all. Clever with a nice pair of tits. What more could a girl ask for? In fact what more could a boy ask for?
In fact maybe that's why Tariq's brother wanted to be his sister...
Strange days indeed.
Monday 28 April 2008
Thursday 10 April 2008
PUNK: FOOTBALL BY ANDREW VAUGHAN AN EXTRACT
On the Thursday I reach the grand old age of 19 or if you believe my birth certificate 21. I along with many others doctored my certificate - and even if I say so myself I made a very neat job of it - a few years back to enable myself to gain entrance to the Wigan Casino and the notoriously meticulous Hilda Woods. A woman who could spot a young bum-fluffed 16year old 200 yards down the queue. Amazingly she accepted my falsified birth certificate as legitimate and at the age of "18" I was a member of Wigan Casino and would go there every so often.
Initially, I was never a huge Northern Soul fan; from the moment I passed my 11-plus examination it was decided for me that I would enter the worlds of Rugby Union, Heavy and Progressive Rock. I was to embrace rugby but would fight back against the world of Led Zeppelin, Genesis and Tangerine Dream by losing myself in the world of Glam Rock. David Bowie, Cockney Rebel, Sparks, Mott The Hoople and Roxy Music were my idols. When the third year was headbanging to "Paranoid" and "Smoke on The Water" I was dreaming of characters such as Judy Teen and Ziggy Stardust while doing the Honaloochie Boogie with another ten or so like-minded citizens. Hair was sculpted into a "Ziggy" haircut with various degrees of success and even the odd bit of eye shadow appeared before the school disco. From David Bowie I discovered the world of Lou Reed, Iggy Pop et al.
Yet somewhere into the conscious came this great stomping, driving music. A music that shook the walls, that smelt of talcum powder and glamorous drugs, sweat and adrenaline, rhythm and soul. And some more. It was still on the periphery of our musical lives but slowly and surely all the Casino classics became embodied in our genes.
And on the day of my 19 th birthday it is reported that a Granada TV crew has filmed a Casino All-nighter for the 'This England' programme. The hoi polloi of Wigan are up in arms due to the programme - as well as showing shots of inside the Casino - have also focused on images of what remains of derelict property around Wigan. A report in the Observer has these people up in arms about this and point out that Casino regulars were pleased that they didn't focus on the drugs. Which is all well and good but the Observer itself ends its report by mentioning that a Welsh girl was fined £100 on charges relating to possessing amphetamines outside the Casino on 23/9/77. What's the difference? Granada doing a piece about Wigan and showing slums and the Observer always linking drugs with the Casino.
Since Punk Rock exploded all other music has took not the back seat more the boot. It has blown everything away. Whilst Kraftwerk and Deaf School are hanging on in there the rest can go and do one! With this in mind a gang of us spend the Friday celebrating my birthday at Bluto's rather than the Casino or anywhere else. The music policy in Bluto's is in no way punk. It was a punk-friendly club in the fact that it would actually let us in! Both the bar downstairs and the two floors that represented the club upstairs. So after the usual "freebies" in the Delph, the "quick short" in the Station and the train journey to town, the games of pool in the Vic and the "stand-off" with the hairies in the John Bull we hit Bluto's. Just in time to hear the bell go for last orders. What? Well it turns out that they have had their late-license revoked as they haven't been selling enough food to justify the late bars. I'm not sure how they can say that as I know for sure we once had burger and chips in there. And I had seen others munching chicken and chips in the basket. Admittedly this was on the odd occasion and was probably a guilty afterthought from somebody on their way to the allnighter realising that their only chance for food after this was one of the Casino's notoriously rancid pies. There may have been many drugs casualties at the Casino but I'd hazard a guess that more hours were lost and lives ruined by the affects of copious amounts of Coca Cola and pies.
Of course this was the period before Gastro Pubs and Wetherspoons' "Curry Nights". Food in pubs consisted of the odd crusty cheese roll and a visit from the prawn and cockle man from Kershaws. It is surprising how popular bags of cockles and prawns in vinegar were back then. It certainly added to the taste of a pint of mild. It was also reassuring to know that at least one person in the pub would always shout "Have you any crabs on you cock?" In one of our locals, The Queen's Arms in Tontine, the local delicacy was a pastie. Despite the fact that everybody called them Agnes' Nasties (after the landlady) they filled a hole after playing football. Back in the day Egg and Chips in The Clarence was as haute cuisine as it got in Wigan. And in my book there's nothing wrong with that.
All this didn't help the fact that there was no late bar at Bluto's and we filed out with the rest of the gobsmacked punters. This is the best bar in Wigan. It's got a great jukebox, Thwaites Bitter, a Space Invaders machine and loads of gorgeous girls with Purdey Haircuts. The DJ even played The Ramones and Talking Heads for us. What more could a young man (a day over 19 years of age) want? Well at least another two hours drinking would be nice. The three beautiful girls we are with - Susan, Angie and Stephanie - tell us they can get into Pemps and we are willing to join them. The walk from Bluto's to Pemps is a treacherous 100 yards at the best of time but at "chucking out" time it is akin to walking down the Falls Road in Belfast. Dressed as I am in drainpipe jeans, brothel creepers, an old suit jacket festooned with badges and a jauntily positioned Trilby Hat it is suicidal. Oh and Paul's plastic sandals aren't helping matters. The reason for the downright fear is that as you come out of Bluto's and turn left you are faced with the Crofters' Arms. This is the pub in which Wigan Athletic was formed in the aftermath of the collapse of Wigan Borough football club and since that date has been home to every hooligan, vagabond, thief and complete fruitcake that has lived in Wigan. We were in one Christmas when full bottles of brown ale were being hauled across the bar between two gangs of lads. With claret everywhere one fella at the bar simply caught a flying bottle, took the top off with his teeth and poured it into his pint making in his words "a cracking brown and bitter". It was not a place for the faint-hearted. If you got passed the Crofters you then had to get passed the notorious Bricklayers' Arms. This was where those that were banned from the Crofters' drank! On this occasion we made it in one piece. As the girls promised they got into Pemps. Needless to say we didn't and had to settle for a flipped burger, tomato sauce and half an hour wait for a taxi. Happy Birthday!
'PUNK: FOOTBALL' IS PUBLISHED BY MUDHUTS MEDIA www.mudhutsmedia.co.uk
Initially, I was never a huge Northern Soul fan; from the moment I passed my 11-plus examination it was decided for me that I would enter the worlds of Rugby Union, Heavy and Progressive Rock. I was to embrace rugby but would fight back against the world of Led Zeppelin, Genesis and Tangerine Dream by losing myself in the world of Glam Rock. David Bowie, Cockney Rebel, Sparks, Mott The Hoople and Roxy Music were my idols. When the third year was headbanging to "Paranoid" and "Smoke on The Water" I was dreaming of characters such as Judy Teen and Ziggy Stardust while doing the Honaloochie Boogie with another ten or so like-minded citizens. Hair was sculpted into a "Ziggy" haircut with various degrees of success and even the odd bit of eye shadow appeared before the school disco. From David Bowie I discovered the world of Lou Reed, Iggy Pop et al.
Yet somewhere into the conscious came this great stomping, driving music. A music that shook the walls, that smelt of talcum powder and glamorous drugs, sweat and adrenaline, rhythm and soul. And some more. It was still on the periphery of our musical lives but slowly and surely all the Casino classics became embodied in our genes.
And on the day of my 19 th birthday it is reported that a Granada TV crew has filmed a Casino All-nighter for the 'This England' programme. The hoi polloi of Wigan are up in arms due to the programme - as well as showing shots of inside the Casino - have also focused on images of what remains of derelict property around Wigan. A report in the Observer has these people up in arms about this and point out that Casino regulars were pleased that they didn't focus on the drugs. Which is all well and good but the Observer itself ends its report by mentioning that a Welsh girl was fined £100 on charges relating to possessing amphetamines outside the Casino on 23/9/77. What's the difference? Granada doing a piece about Wigan and showing slums and the Observer always linking drugs with the Casino.
Since Punk Rock exploded all other music has took not the back seat more the boot. It has blown everything away. Whilst Kraftwerk and Deaf School are hanging on in there the rest can go and do one! With this in mind a gang of us spend the Friday celebrating my birthday at Bluto's rather than the Casino or anywhere else. The music policy in Bluto's is in no way punk. It was a punk-friendly club in the fact that it would actually let us in! Both the bar downstairs and the two floors that represented the club upstairs. So after the usual "freebies" in the Delph, the "quick short" in the Station and the train journey to town, the games of pool in the Vic and the "stand-off" with the hairies in the John Bull we hit Bluto's. Just in time to hear the bell go for last orders. What? Well it turns out that they have had their late-license revoked as they haven't been selling enough food to justify the late bars. I'm not sure how they can say that as I know for sure we once had burger and chips in there. And I had seen others munching chicken and chips in the basket. Admittedly this was on the odd occasion and was probably a guilty afterthought from somebody on their way to the allnighter realising that their only chance for food after this was one of the Casino's notoriously rancid pies. There may have been many drugs casualties at the Casino but I'd hazard a guess that more hours were lost and lives ruined by the affects of copious amounts of Coca Cola and pies.
Of course this was the period before Gastro Pubs and Wetherspoons' "Curry Nights". Food in pubs consisted of the odd crusty cheese roll and a visit from the prawn and cockle man from Kershaws. It is surprising how popular bags of cockles and prawns in vinegar were back then. It certainly added to the taste of a pint of mild. It was also reassuring to know that at least one person in the pub would always shout "Have you any crabs on you cock?" In one of our locals, The Queen's Arms in Tontine, the local delicacy was a pastie. Despite the fact that everybody called them Agnes' Nasties (after the landlady) they filled a hole after playing football. Back in the day Egg and Chips in The Clarence was as haute cuisine as it got in Wigan. And in my book there's nothing wrong with that.
All this didn't help the fact that there was no late bar at Bluto's and we filed out with the rest of the gobsmacked punters. This is the best bar in Wigan. It's got a great jukebox, Thwaites Bitter, a Space Invaders machine and loads of gorgeous girls with Purdey Haircuts. The DJ even played The Ramones and Talking Heads for us. What more could a young man (a day over 19 years of age) want? Well at least another two hours drinking would be nice. The three beautiful girls we are with - Susan, Angie and Stephanie - tell us they can get into Pemps and we are willing to join them. The walk from Bluto's to Pemps is a treacherous 100 yards at the best of time but at "chucking out" time it is akin to walking down the Falls Road in Belfast. Dressed as I am in drainpipe jeans, brothel creepers, an old suit jacket festooned with badges and a jauntily positioned Trilby Hat it is suicidal. Oh and Paul's plastic sandals aren't helping matters. The reason for the downright fear is that as you come out of Bluto's and turn left you are faced with the Crofters' Arms. This is the pub in which Wigan Athletic was formed in the aftermath of the collapse of Wigan Borough football club and since that date has been home to every hooligan, vagabond, thief and complete fruitcake that has lived in Wigan. We were in one Christmas when full bottles of brown ale were being hauled across the bar between two gangs of lads. With claret everywhere one fella at the bar simply caught a flying bottle, took the top off with his teeth and poured it into his pint making in his words "a cracking brown and bitter". It was not a place for the faint-hearted. If you got passed the Crofters you then had to get passed the notorious Bricklayers' Arms. This was where those that were banned from the Crofters' drank! On this occasion we made it in one piece. As the girls promised they got into Pemps. Needless to say we didn't and had to settle for a flipped burger, tomato sauce and half an hour wait for a taxi. Happy Birthday!
'PUNK: FOOTBALL' IS PUBLISHED BY MUDHUTS MEDIA www.mudhutsmedia.co.uk
Tuesday 1 April 2008
MATCH DAY ACCESSORIES THROUGH THE YEARS
Going to the match isn't just about er ... going to the match. There's much more involved. In the 1 st of a series looking at the art of football-watching and as every girl knows accessories make the outfit here follows a quick potted history of the match day accessories:
Umbrellas
70's full length with point sharpened
80's automatic
90's and 00's nowt get a taxi
Gloves
70's Driving - especially black and white checked "grand Prix Gloves 80's Sheepskin Mitts and Ski Gloves
90's Thinsulate
00's Leather
Hats
70's Bobble, Tam O'Shanter, Skull Cap
80's Deerstalker Ski Hat, Half and Half, Beanie,
90's Baseball Cap, Beanie (again), Cossack Hat
00's Baseball Cap (still - give it a break), woolie hat
Trouser Width
70's Parallel, wide, flared, narrow - Boss Brand Wrangler
80's Narrow, pegged, semi-flared, flared, narrow - Boss Brand - Ball Jeans
90's Baggy, narrow, boot cut - Boss Brand - Armani
00's Semi-flared, boot cut - Boss Brand - M&S Blue Harbour
Coats
70's Parka's, crombies, macs, denim jackets
80's Parka's, Tracky tops, Suedies, Golfing Jackets
90's Anoraks, Berghaus, Sprayway and more anoraks
00's Waxed, Duffels and even more anoraks
Shoes
70's Docs. brogues, platforms, Adidas
80's Tennis Shoes, Kickers, Suede boots, Adidas
90's Kickers (again), Wallabees, Timberland, Hiking boots, Rockport, Adidas
00's Timberland (still), Clarks ... oh and even more Adidas
Haircuts
70's Skinhead, Suedehead, Feather Cut, Wedge
80's Mushroom, Back perm, that Happy Mondays crop
90's Pony Tail, skinhead
00's Skinhead oh and baldness!
Little Extras
70's Watneys Pale Ale, Black Bombers, and Dexy's
80's "Designer Beers", Poppers, Speed,
90's Lager, Doves and K
00's Lager and bags and bags of beak
A little Reading Matter
70's Football League Review, Football Pink
80's The Face, The End and Politically Correct Fanzines
90's Boy's Own, Football Italia, Loaded
00's Politically Incorrect Fanzines, Swine Magazine, and Mudhutsmedia
Music (and a very broad church here)
70's Reggae, Glam, Northern, Heavy, Prog and Punk
80's Jazz Funk, Funk, Electronic, Post Punk, New Romantic, House 90's House, Rave, Dance, Acid House and Acid Jazz, Madchester, The Smiths and the mighty Verve
00's Indie and basically a mix of all the above
THIS ARTICLE WAS TAKEN FROM GOAL.NET
THE NEXT ISSUE WILL BE OUT IN AUGUST 2008
Umbrellas
70's full length with point sharpened
80's automatic
90's and 00's nowt get a taxi
Gloves
70's Driving - especially black and white checked "grand Prix Gloves 80's Sheepskin Mitts and Ski Gloves
90's Thinsulate
00's Leather
Hats
70's Bobble, Tam O'Shanter, Skull Cap
80's Deerstalker Ski Hat, Half and Half, Beanie,
90's Baseball Cap, Beanie (again), Cossack Hat
00's Baseball Cap (still - give it a break), woolie hat
Trouser Width
70's Parallel, wide, flared, narrow - Boss Brand Wrangler
80's Narrow, pegged, semi-flared, flared, narrow - Boss Brand - Ball Jeans
90's Baggy, narrow, boot cut - Boss Brand - Armani
00's Semi-flared, boot cut - Boss Brand - M&S Blue Harbour
Coats
70's Parka's, crombies, macs, denim jackets
80's Parka's, Tracky tops, Suedies, Golfing Jackets
90's Anoraks, Berghaus, Sprayway and more anoraks
00's Waxed, Duffels and even more anoraks
Shoes
70's Docs. brogues, platforms, Adidas
80's Tennis Shoes, Kickers, Suede boots, Adidas
90's Kickers (again), Wallabees, Timberland, Hiking boots, Rockport, Adidas
00's Timberland (still), Clarks ... oh and even more Adidas
Haircuts
70's Skinhead, Suedehead, Feather Cut, Wedge
80's Mushroom, Back perm, that Happy Mondays crop
90's Pony Tail, skinhead
00's Skinhead oh and baldness!
Little Extras
70's Watneys Pale Ale, Black Bombers, and Dexy's
80's "Designer Beers", Poppers, Speed,
90's Lager, Doves and K
00's Lager and bags and bags of beak
A little Reading Matter
70's Football League Review, Football Pink
80's The Face, The End and Politically Correct Fanzines
90's Boy's Own, Football Italia, Loaded
00's Politically Incorrect Fanzines, Swine Magazine, and Mudhutsmedia
Music (and a very broad church here)
70's Reggae, Glam, Northern, Heavy, Prog and Punk
80's Jazz Funk, Funk, Electronic, Post Punk, New Romantic, House 90's House, Rave, Dance, Acid House and Acid Jazz, Madchester, The Smiths and the mighty Verve
00's Indie and basically a mix of all the above
THIS ARTICLE WAS TAKEN FROM GOAL.NET
THE NEXT ISSUE WILL BE OUT IN AUGUST 2008
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