As our third season in this super-duper league (sic) comes to a close we have a look at the places we visit(ed) this time out. None are magnificent and some are quite simply horrible but "live the dream" and all that, hey.
GOOD ARSENAL/BAD SPURS
We've done better at Spurs than Arsenal but the day out can't compete. Sure our little gang has found a corking place to drink for Spurs - you can ask but we're not telling you - but you just can't compare it with Upper Street/Islington High Street.
Oh and for a "Big Four" Arsenal's fans aren't too bad. Spurs fans, meanwhile, still think they are a "Big Four" club - whatever that means.
GOOD NEWCASTLE/BAD SUNDERLAND
Say whatever you want about Geordies and how we are laughing at the moment you cannot deny Newcastle is a great day out. There's just something about the place that means that every pub you go in you know you'll be welcome. On their travels their fans are tedious but up there it's great. I have also never seen so many Gregg's bakeries in one place. Sunderland meanwhile is two and half hour's of your day wasted. Arrogance knows no bounds with these men. Roy Keane and them were made for each other and as for finding a decent boozer around the ground - forget it.
GOOD CITY BAN/UNITED
Okay so City's in the middle of the Chatsworth estate and you are surrounded by polyester-clad imbeciles from Stockport but as the venerable Les Bagg says: "You never fail to have a good day out against them. There's nowt around the ground but at least in the city centre it isn't full of Irish day trippers. I know United have lots of decent fans but the impression you get when you go the game is that 2/3 of their fans don't know who they are playing that day. Never have I had so many one-way conversations as with United fans. Plus we always get stuffed there and you can't move your legs in the cramped seating.
GOOD FULHAM/BAD CHELSEA
It looks like Fulham may be going this season but we'll meet again soon. Couldn't give two hoots about the team and their fans only seem to be there as there is nothing on at Twickenham that day but as for days out - you simply cannot go wrong. Across the river and there are pubs aplenty. The weather always seems to be okay and the catering in the ground is the best in the premiership. Chelsea meanwhile - where do you begin? Earl's Court is okay but everything else about the day including the ticket prices is shite. You just yearn for the 80s, Gate 13 and hoolies from Guildford.
GOOD EVERTON/BAD LIVERPOOL
Ditto the City/United bit exactly but replace Stockport with North Wales!
GOOD PORTSMOUTH/BAD READING
Both are miles away but when you get to Portsmouth it's great. Yeah they've a bit of a reputation but they have no gripe with us and the pubs are fine. The ground is glorious. Reading meanwhile is the biggest shitehole ever with more fake Stone Island on display than in Platt Bridge. The ground is miles from the town and their JCLs make some of our own look like die-in-the-wool home and away since 1932 fans! And when you walk out the ground you really do not know where you are. Is it Derby Leicester, Bolton…
GOOD VILLA/BAD BIRMINGHAM
I'm pushing it a bit here as both days are pretty much the same. Train to Brum then trek to ground either on train, foot or taxi. The grog is the city centre is fine if you know where you are going but Villa just about shades it as somewhere at the back of your mind that Zulu stuff still lingers and the view (along with tellys on the concourse) is superior at Villa
GOOD BLACKBURN/BAD BOLTON
Again pushing it but this time because both are shite! Blackburn is just a dump of a place however they try and dress it up and as for the little mob of plazzy lads they brought to the JJB this year - deary deary me. Bolton, meanwhile, is over. A great-looking stadium (in my opinion) but where's the edge? It's a local derby and everybody's trudging miles to their cars to get away. Their fans are also total utter twats. Amir Khan, Ronnie Irani and Vernon Kay, anybody?
GOOD WIGAN/BAD WEST HAM
Hypothetical here obviously but how can an away fan not have a good day at Wigan? Cheapest ground in the country - we even provide a plush bar just for away fans and an away fans-only pub. The town is chocker with pubs and pie shops, there's a good rail network and Wigan fans tend to drink away from the town leaving it to you. West Ham meanwhile is hard work. The tube seems to take forever and pubs are not exactly friendly. That said we found a cracker this season and of course we nearly always win there so when I say bad, up against anybody but Wigan it would edge a Good.
GOOD ARSENAL/BAD SPURS
We've done better at Spurs than Arsenal but the day out can't compete. Sure our little gang has found a corking place to drink for Spurs - you can ask but we're not telling you - but you just can't compare it with Upper Street/Islington High Street.
Oh and for a "Big Four" Arsenal's fans aren't too bad. Spurs fans, meanwhile, still think they are a "Big Four" club - whatever that means.
GOOD NEWCASTLE/BAD SUNDERLAND
Say whatever you want about Geordies and how we are laughing at the moment you cannot deny Newcastle is a great day out. There's just something about the place that means that every pub you go in you know you'll be welcome. On their travels their fans are tedious but up there it's great. I have also never seen so many Gregg's bakeries in one place. Sunderland meanwhile is two and half hour's of your day wasted. Arrogance knows no bounds with these men. Roy Keane and them were made for each other and as for finding a decent boozer around the ground - forget it.
GOOD CITY BAN/UNITED
Okay so City's in the middle of the Chatsworth estate and you are surrounded by polyester-clad imbeciles from Stockport but as the venerable Les Bagg says: "You never fail to have a good day out against them. There's nowt around the ground but at least in the city centre it isn't full of Irish day trippers. I know United have lots of decent fans but the impression you get when you go the game is that 2/3 of their fans don't know who they are playing that day. Never have I had so many one-way conversations as with United fans. Plus we always get stuffed there and you can't move your legs in the cramped seating.
GOOD FULHAM/BAD CHELSEA
It looks like Fulham may be going this season but we'll meet again soon. Couldn't give two hoots about the team and their fans only seem to be there as there is nothing on at Twickenham that day but as for days out - you simply cannot go wrong. Across the river and there are pubs aplenty. The weather always seems to be okay and the catering in the ground is the best in the premiership. Chelsea meanwhile - where do you begin? Earl's Court is okay but everything else about the day including the ticket prices is shite. You just yearn for the 80s, Gate 13 and hoolies from Guildford.
GOOD EVERTON/BAD LIVERPOOL
Ditto the City/United bit exactly but replace Stockport with North Wales!
GOOD PORTSMOUTH/BAD READING
Both are miles away but when you get to Portsmouth it's great. Yeah they've a bit of a reputation but they have no gripe with us and the pubs are fine. The ground is glorious. Reading meanwhile is the biggest shitehole ever with more fake Stone Island on display than in Platt Bridge. The ground is miles from the town and their JCLs make some of our own look like die-in-the-wool home and away since 1932 fans! And when you walk out the ground you really do not know where you are. Is it Derby Leicester, Bolton…
GOOD VILLA/BAD BIRMINGHAM
I'm pushing it a bit here as both days are pretty much the same. Train to Brum then trek to ground either on train, foot or taxi. The grog is the city centre is fine if you know where you are going but Villa just about shades it as somewhere at the back of your mind that Zulu stuff still lingers and the view (along with tellys on the concourse) is superior at Villa
GOOD BLACKBURN/BAD BOLTON
Again pushing it but this time because both are shite! Blackburn is just a dump of a place however they try and dress it up and as for the little mob of plazzy lads they brought to the JJB this year - deary deary me. Bolton, meanwhile, is over. A great-looking stadium (in my opinion) but where's the edge? It's a local derby and everybody's trudging miles to their cars to get away. Their fans are also total utter twats. Amir Khan, Ronnie Irani and Vernon Kay, anybody?
GOOD WIGAN/BAD WEST HAM
Hypothetical here obviously but how can an away fan not have a good day at Wigan? Cheapest ground in the country - we even provide a plush bar just for away fans and an away fans-only pub. The town is chocker with pubs and pie shops, there's a good rail network and Wigan fans tend to drink away from the town leaving it to you. West Ham meanwhile is hard work. The tube seems to take forever and pubs are not exactly friendly. That said we found a cracker this season and of course we nearly always win there so when I say bad, up against anybody but Wigan it would edge a Good.
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