Thanks, mate

Q. How do you tell a Lancastrian in London?

A. He/She thanks the driver when he/she gets off the bus.

In my ever-desperate attempts to avoid anything that can be construed as "Proper work" I have recently found myself travelling to Ormskirk four times a week and what an adventure it is.

Now are there two truly great ways to travel. The best by far is on foot while a big yellow/red/green/claret/turqouise and white bus pushes it close. By foot you see and hear everything. Keeps your senses open and you'll hear arguments and fights, see beautiful and not so beautiful girls and be asked innumerable times for a ciggie - amongst other things!

However Ormskirk is just a little far to walk. It's probably about twelve miles away - which means my bus us travelling at something like 11MPH as it takes over an hour to get there. See, the bloody thing goes everywhere - and that is one of the joys of bus travel. They are provided for the people so of course they go through every bloody council estate in the world. And of course the Ormskirk bus goes through Skelmersdale Old and New towns. Both oxymorons and Skem (as in the new town) while it might be a shithole - there aint half some daft buggers that get on. Thankfully when I travel they tend to be harmnless daft buggers that have usually been to the supermarket via the pub/hospital/doctors/probation officer.

The great joy about travelling through Skem is that it lasts longer and costs less than the "Big One" at Blackpool. All that's missing is that they don't take your picture when you get off! Your legs and stomach are churning more than a night on the Guinness and kebabs.

As the planners decided that Skem would be built without traffic lights all you have is endless roundabouts. Add in to the mix the fact that they didn't build pavements and every fucker's walking on the road meaning the maniacal tattooed drivers are hitting sixty and the brakes at the same time resulting in the thirty minutes through Skem being quite simply the most exhilarating fun you can have with your clothes on!

Oh and as for the punters

1) Everybody says "thanks" when they get off
2) The Skem kids are a 100x better behaved than the Wigan kids
3) The concourse shopping centre is "the Conny"
4) And ASDA is "THE ASDA"

Next week more classic bus journeys - maybe